Thursday, August 28, 2008

Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions Of The New Gabon Survivors

The new contestants for Survivor: Gabon, the 17th season of the series, has been announced. Since my gloriously uneducated preconceptions of the new The Amazing Racers proved so popular, here's my take on the new Survivors (which premieres Thursday, September 25th at 8pm). It's up against Ugly Betty and The Office so it's third priority on the always busy Thursday nights but I still enjoy it when I can watch it.

As usual, this years batch of 18 Survivor contestants include the token gay, the token black woman, the token black man, the token old person (female), the token old person (male), a token asian, and like in more recent seasons, lots and lots of hot, young and OH LOOK, single white folks. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying:

Ace Gordon (27)
Hometown: Naples, Florida
Occupation: Jewelry Sales
"self-proclaimed charmer"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: He's 27? He looks 42. This guy is the cocky one. His name is Ace Gordon. He's apparently a superhero that got lost and found his way onto the island (cough LOSER cough).

Robert "Bob" Crowley (58)
Hometown: Portland, Maine
Occupation: Physics Teacher
"hybrid of Indiana Jones and Robinson Crusoe
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: The old guy. Uh, that's all I got. I'm bored alone by the "Bob" name.

Charlie Herschel (29)
Hometown: New York, New York
Occupation: Lawyer
"ready to try his persuasion skills on a different type of jury"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Also of note, is the token gay contestant this year. And cute. Boy it's easy to capture my allegiance and my heart... (despite being a lawyer (oh snap!)). I'm guessing "try his persuasion skills on a different type of jury" isn't actually gay or sexually related, is it? (too bad!)

Corinne Kaplan (29)
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales
"catty former sorority girl uses her wit and sex appeal to further her goals" "takes great pride in being able to manipulate the people around her"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: I know I'm gay and all but just looking at her, and then reading "uses her wit and sex appeal"... For real? Or am I just really gay and missing it all? No offense but she looks more like a middle aged milf than she does a twenties in her prime. Or was that just too mean of me?

Crystal Cox (29)
Hometown: Durham, North Carolina
Occupation: Former Olympic Athlete
"possesses the three "Bs" required to be Sole Survivor, which are: brains, beauty and blazing speed!"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: A black woman who overcame the odds and successfully takes care of her child, has good jobs, and went to the Olympics. That's my kinda girl! Do these stories ever get out of fashion in Hollywood? I think not!

Dan Kay (32)
Hometown: Boston, Massachusetts
Occupation: Lawyer
"Charismatic, hard working and goal oriented"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: He's successful (as a lawyer and investor) who has realized he needs a work/life balance with more focus on himself, family and friends. Hmm... why does that sound familiar? Despite the lawyer but, I feel like actually connect with this guy. Okay fine, I connect with the cute picture. You got me. Shut up.

Danny "GC" Brown (26)
Hometown: Portland, Oregon
Occupation: Maintenance Man
"adventurous, outgoing and silly, and he doesn't like dishonest people"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: "doesn't like dishonest people"? What the hell is he doing on this show then? Silly boy.

Gillian Larson (61)
Hometown: Temecula, California
Occupation: Retired Nurse
"versatile, but she is competitive by nature"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: As long as she's not a bossy opinionated bitch and fakes people out as the lovable granny that could, she could easily be liked and an underdog in this game. Then again, why aren't bossy opinionated bitches liked? They are the ones that tend to run the world (or would like to). Oh. That's why. I get it.

Jacquie Berg (25)
Hometown: Santa Barbara, California
Occupation: Medical Sales
"plays to win and will settle for nothing less than number one"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: She seems too perfect to be true. As a gay man, I love her. As a bitchy gay man. I hate her. If I were not a gay man, I would probably love her.

Jessica "Sugar" Kiper (29)
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York
Occupation: Pin-Up Model
"flirty and fun"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Uh, yeah, sure you are.

Kelly Czarnecki (22)
Hometown: Buffalo Grove, Illinois
Occupation: Retail Sales
"she gets what she wants and does what she wants"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Oh great. THAT girl. As long as she keeps wearing those tops, she could keep the men in a trance and blind the women by knocking all of them out of the way.

Ken Hoang (22)
Hometown: Westminster, California
Occupation: Professional Gamer
"considered an underdog because everyone will underestimate his prowess at playing mind games"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Go Asian Gamer Geek! It's a family thing.

Marcus Lehman (28)
Hometown: Atlanta, Georgia
Occupation: Doctor
"will be able to use his charm and physical prowess to make it far in the game"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Hello Doctor! Doctor? 28? I hate/love him already. Jealous. Lust. Jealoust?

Matty Whitmore (29)
Hometown: Pacific Palisades, California
Occupation: Personal Trainer
"prides himself on helping people not take themselves too seriously and hopes to use those skills to manipulate others into doing what's best for him"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: A trust fund kid who blew it all away and now must prove himself to survive/the world. "He claims that if health was wealth; he'd be considered a billionaire". Maybe true but also really really flaky. This guy might be a hoot to watch, if only for schadenfreude's sake.

Michelle Chase (24)
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Occupation: Music Producer
"tough and resourceful and isn't afraid to speak her mind"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: I love how being a Music Production Assistant gets her labeled as a Music Producer as a career. Yah right. She could go either way. Totally whinny and annoying or totally cool, but she definitely could be an underdog and sneak through with her slight physique.

Paloma Soto-Castillo (24)
Hometown: Downey, California
Occupation: Student
"been playing the social game her entire life"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Her bio seems really neat and varied and based on that alone (not to mention her supercute pic), I like her the best of the girls. Seems like someone I would want to know (at least on paper so far).

Randy Bailey (49)
Hometown: Eagle Rock, Missouri
Occupation: Wedding Videographer
"considers himself a ruthless bully who enjoys picking on those that were not blessed with his strength or intellect"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: Well, at least he's honest about how he's going to play the game. I've got to respect that.

Susie Smith (47)
Hometown: Charles City, Iowa
Occupation: Hairdresser
"Bold and brassy with a huge zest for life, Smith believes SURVIVOR will finally be the opportunity she's needed to turn things around"
Gloriously Uneducated Preconceptions: You go girl!

So early faves? I'll go with Charlie and Paloma for now. Let's hope they don't disappoint for real. Watch them be total pricks. Ooh I hope not. That's Ace and Randy's jobs.

1 comment:

Joe Reid said...

"Crystal Cox"? Parents, don't name your children after porn stars. That's, like, rule one.

International Jock Crocs, Inc. Bare Necessities>