Big Brother Blogging: Julie Chen Does NOT Have Gonorrhea (That We Know Of)

Big Brother is BACK and the Big Brother Trifecta (QTA, ModFab, and Tapeworthy) is covering all the trashines in the house. Here is the season 8 premiere episode brought to you by ModFab! (Sorry, Vance here and I was going to add a few of my two Canadian cents in but Gabriel pretty much covers it all, and pretty much breaks down the household to the core so head over to ModFab for the original post).

The new season of Big Brother began last night, and it was as wonderfully bitchtastic as any fan could hope for. All the reality-show stereotypes were there: dueling cheerleaders, hunky lunkheads, the token angry person of color, a smoking-hot football player, a Bible-toting MILF, and two (count 'me, two!) gays (ex-lovers who wore each others' old shirts into the house. Oooo snap!) And presiding above it all is the Chenbot, whose inability to make a facial expression is, after all these years, somehow comforting.

The first episode is all about making snap judgements...and I'll be making mine below. But suffice it to say that the spinning mushroom stool challenge that served as the first Head of Household competition was as stupidly fabulous as it sounds. (Ride the mushroom, kids!) There are three thematic motifs this year: an "Alice in Wonderland" design concept, a secretely embedded "America's Player" (controlled by viewers), and three pairs of "worst enemies" (people who hate each other). None of this is nearly as important, however, as telling you this: the Big Brother house has gonorrhea. And no, it ain't pretty.

In order of their smoking hotness, I give you your contestants:

NICK (former football player/Kimball, MN)First, let's fire whoever took the godawful headshots for CBS this season; this is a much hotter cast than these pics suggest, and someone needs needs to get their untalented photographic ass fired. (I'm just saying.) Case in point: Nick, who is a stiffymaker to the nth degree. Normally I would not be attracted to someone who lists Mel Gibson and the band Boston among their cultural favorites; however, this boy has guns to die for, and he's kind of stupid (which, inexplicably, is a turn-on). In the first episode, he basically stood around while the women and the gays confessed how attracted they were to his six-pack and chiseled backside.

MIKE (painting contractor/Three Lakes, WI) Again, much hotter than you think from this picture. Mike seems to be the kind of player that can go the distance; in the first episode, he hung back and watched as the type-A personalities rushed to dominate the conversation. He certainly can flirt with the best of them, but at 26, he's one of the older contestants. Can he hang with the young hotties and stay relevant? One to watch...he reminds me of Hardy or Drew, pretty boys who underplayed their hands and went very far.

DUSTIN (painting contractor/Chicago, IL) Let's call Dustin "the nice gay one." Oh fuck it, let's call him what everyone in America will be calling him tomorrow: Gonorrhea Boy. He was outed by his ex, Joe, as having the gift that keeps on giving (although to be fair, Dustin was shocked and denied it). Truth is that Dustin seems like a smart guy who happened to date a royal asshole once upon a time and now has to pay for it on national television. He's at a temporary disadvantage because Joe got the first digs in, but I don't expect him to take it lying down. Plus, I can't wait for the oozing sores on CBS' night-vision camera!

JEN (nanny/Beverly Hills, CA) Okay, this headshot's pretty fair. She's a bombshell -- a little ditzy, but also a little smarter than she likes to admit. Sound like anyone you know? I liked that, after talking too much in the opening introductions, she was pretty much absent from the rest of the episode. That means she didn't do anything too interesting...or too stupid to catch the editor's eye. She needs to get under the rader, and quick; pretty girls can seduce boys to get votes, but more often they attract unwanted attention and get sent home. Can she keep a low profile?

CAROL (student/Lawrence, KS) Carol and her high-school enemy, cheerleader Jessica, once squabbled over $5 that Carol borrowed. That kind of devastating financial embezzlement just can't be tolerated, so they haven't spoken in years. My guess is that Carol could get substantially more than $5 by pretending to be a transsexual and turning tricks on Santa Monica Boulevard. I don't know why I just thought of that. Probably because other than being gorgeous, she's completely forgettable. Wait, who were we talking about?

ERIC (talent assistant/New York, NY) In addition to being geek-adorable (that special kind of cuteness only nerds can achieve), Eric is the secret mole, "America's Player." That means he's primarily in the house to take direction from viewers who vote at cbs.com on who to align with, who to screw over, and who to make out with. (I say Dustin! Make out with Dustin! Now, damnit!) He's an ingenious choice by the producers for this role; affable, easygoing, funny, and just this side of handsome, he could easily win the whole thing...if America doesn't screw it up for him.

JAMEKA (school counselor/Waldorf, MD) Big Brother's approach to casting is so blatantly racist that it's almost laughable. Black people, in the BB world, are angry, pissed-off, and volatile. This season's variation is a woman whose sole contribution to the episode was to tell us in a huff, via the diary room, that she "is not used to being around all these white people." Girlfriend, get it straight: the appropriate term is "cracker" or "honky." The benefit Jameka has, at the moment, is that no one takes her seriously as a competitor. I hope she uses that to her benefit.

And now, since no one else is remotely cute on the show, I'm going to break down the remaining contestants into two teams I like to call the "Who Cares Squad" and the "Evil Bastards And/Or Bitches."

WHO CARES SQUAD

DANIELE (waitress/Huntington Beach, CA)
ZACH (graphic designer/Burbank, CA)
AMBER (Las Vegas, NV)

Once upon a time, Daniele's father, Dick, was mean to her...so she hasn't spoken to him in two years. (Until now. Her dad's an Evil Bastard And/Or Bitch.) Beyond this, she's freakishly boring. She's also blonde, and therefore at an intellectual disadvantage.

Zach, meanwhile, is a...well, perhaps all you need to know is he's a grown man who loves Lord of the Rings, the Travel Channel, and Cheerios. (Really, you're 30 and still single? I'm so surprised.)

Amber is the white-trash goddess of the season: a single mother who wants the money to give her child a better life, she also likes...be honest, aren't you already bored?

EVIL BASTARDS AND/OR BITCHES

JESSICA (student/Haysville, KS)
DICK (bar manager/Los Angeles, CA)
KAIL (business owner/McKenzie Bridge, OR)
JOE (receptionist/Chicago, IL)

Jessica probably doesn't deserve to be in this category...but I just hate her on principle. She's a cheerleader, people! What more do you need? And she's still upset about that fucking $5.

Dick, on the other hand, seems to be a real prize in almost every way. He calls himself "Evil Dick," and he has the laid-back demeanor of a heroin addict. Mostly, however, he hates his daughter, Daniele...and by crashing her summer-long slumber party, she's totally right to hate him back.

But the real demonic forces this season, if we can judge from the first episode, are Kail and Joe.
Kail is a small-town Ivana Trump, who bragged that she "employs half her town" even as she lied to the housemates about it. She also brought a Bible, and has taken the liberty of telling the viewing audience how sad she would be if her children turned out queer. (Yeah, fuck you too, lady.)

Joe, however, is in a class by himself...you know those pathetic gay men who have to be the center of attention all the time, who rely on their bitchy wit, hoping no one will notice they have no personality? Joe is one of those sluts. If his insecurity and vicious tongue weren't enough, he's also carrying an enormous grudge against Dustin. Plus...he's got gonorrhea. Ewwww. He'll be GREAT television, though. I hope he gets in a catfight every week.

AFTER SUNDAY'S EPISODE: Check in with QTA (the first nominees for eviction!)
AFTER TUESDAY'S EPISODE: Check in with Tapeworthy (the first Power of Veto!)
NEXT WEEK: We'll be back with the first elimination! Brought to you by ModFab!